This is a speech that went to the District Conference in London, Ontario in 2011, where it took third place in the Humorous contest. I have been assured by several disinterested parties (–close friends, actually…) that if it hadn’t been for some mic troubles it would have done even better.
‘U’ Can Do It!
Madam Chair, ladies and gentlemen, I’m excited to be here this evening because I’m excited about my message.
The title of my presentation, as you see, is “‘U’ Can Do It!”, and that is the thought I will want to leave you with. My theme is…
…weight loss. You can do it!
You may feel that the message does not apply to you. But few among us are there who wouldn’t benefit from the loss of a few pounds. And even if you yourself are immune to this topic, you surely have family members, or friends, who would be grateful to learn these secrets. So listen attentively! Anyone who follows the method I am about to detail for you will lose weight; not overnight; not without effort; but 100 per cent guaranteed.
To make it catchy I call my method the “Three U’s”…
…and the first U is “Understand It!” This is the information part, and the first component of that is diet.
Friends, I have one word for you here, and that word is…
…”PIZZA”! It’s perfect—white flour, high in fat and sodium; all that plus two tablespoons of tomato paste! Hey, according to the American frozen food lobby that makes pizza a vegetable, so what’s not to love about it? This being said, not all pizzas are created equal. Here’s one that’s got too many of those other vegetables on it…
…the ones that are grown from seeds. Those you don’t want.
This one’s better: pepperoni, sausage, bacon, ham, double cheese… now you’re talking vegetables!
Well; pizza takes care of breakfast, the most important meal of the day, but of course you’ve got two other meals to worry about. Here are a couple of my favourites.
First, buffalo wings and fries; note the side items on this restaurant plate. Again, you don’t want those, you didn’t order them. Send them back to the kitchen untouched, that’s my advice.
Here we are – barbecue ribs, heavy on the sauce. Note the corporate logo in the corner of this slide. This provides me with a nice segue into my next words of advice: Remember this! — Corporate food is fantastic! If you want to achieve your weight loss goals, the consumption of corporate food in great quantities is an essential must.
Let’s start with this one…
Isn’t it beautiful? The sight of this symbol brings tears to my eyes. This was the first corporate food purveyor to figure it out; virtually everything on their menu is A-1. You’ll find some salads mentioned, but they’re just kidding. Stick with the burgers and fries; that’s what they started with, that’s what they’re famous for, that’s what they know best. …
This chain has an item called the “Triple Whopper”, with cheese—1230 calories of juicy delight! …
Here’s another favourite; the ‘F’ in their name stands for Fried, by the way. That’s good! I can’t imagine why they try to hide it….
So you know about the right foods; the second component of understanding is: activity. Here, your goal is…
…zero. No activity at all is the perfect ideal, but for practical purposes your strategy will be to keep activity to a minimum. And to do this you’ll need some equipment. The first of these is this item…
It’s called a recliner. This one’s a beauty, I used to have one just like it. It’s got a nifty little lever on the side, just like the gearshift on a sports car. But instead of shifting into overdrive, you’re shifting into snooze!
Then there’s this item here…
It’s called a “TV”—you’re taking notes, ma’am? That’s “T… V”. Now, I chose this image on purpose because it’s got a picture of the great outdoors on it. A picture of the great outdoors. You don’t really wanna go there! Out there is cold; out there is rain; out there are bugs. No no; stay indoors, where it’s safe.
Then you just add this final item…
…referred to as a “remote”. Ma’am, that’s “r-e-m…”; yup! Equipment-wise, now, you’re good to go! Go nowhere, I mean. With this little baby in your hand you can travel all around the world… never leave your recliner and exercise nothing more than one measly little thumb.
Okay; so you’ve got the understanding…
The next ‘U’ is “Undertake it!” In other words, you gotta do it! Having the information alone means nothing, until you set the goal to make it happen…
…Look at these darts, zeroed in on the bull’s-eye. Those have to be you—and you, and you. Every waking moment has to become relevant to your weight loss goal: ‘Should you eat that second donut?’ — Go for it! ‘Should you really walk those two blocks… or take the car?’ — That’s right, stick with the program!
Basically folks, the challenge before you here today is simple, and it is this: you have a choice…
…Are you going to allow yourself to take the wrong road, the one that leads to the real ‘F’ word: Failure?? Or are you going to take the road to the right, the one that leads to success?!
Because if you do, you will achieve the third and most important ‘U’…
Underground. As in, you will soon be placed under the ground. And this is where my guarantee comes in, because at that point you will lose weight, and quickly…
Look at this image: I challenge you to find a single ounce of fat on this body. You can’t, because there isn’t any!! …Isn’t that a thing of beauty? Or what?
Gentlemen: where’s the big paunch on that fellow? – it might have been there before, but it’s gone now! Ladies, where are the flabby thighs? You’re right, they’ve disappeared!
Friends, this is the victory of the “3 U’s method”, and you can see that it works! We can all be winners…
Let’s repeat the three U’s all together, to cement them in our minds – Understand it!… Undertake it!… Underground!
— Madam Chair….
November 2011