Tickety-Boo!

The problem at Christmas is that nobody ever thinks about Santa himself. He’s flies around the whole world, helping millions of others… but what about remembering him?

TICKETY-BOO!

~ A Play for Puppets ~

Music and Lyrics by Jeff King

Characters In The Play:

SANTA CLAUS
MRS CLAUS
RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER
ALFIE THE LITTLEST ELF
DOCTOR QUACK

Santa’s workshop on Christmas Eve. Just before midnight! It’s almost time for Santa and the boys to be on their way. Mrs. Claus and Rudolph are struggling to finish packing up Santa’s sleigh. Rudolph comes running in…

RUDOLPH
(Calling, and looking around) Hey, Dasher! Hey Dancer! Hey Prancer and Vixen! C’mon guys, get the lead out! We’re nearly ready t’ go!!… Where th’ heck are they?!

…and he runs out again. Then Mrs. Claus enters, same kind of frantic energy. She’s carrying a thermos bottle.

MRS CLAUS
Rudolph! …Oh, Rudolph!!

Rudolph sticks his nose back in.

RUDOLPH
Have you seen Comet?

MRS CLAUS
I want you to put—

RUDOLPH
Where’s Cupid? Where’s Donner and Blitzen?

MRS CLAUS
Rudolph, I want you to put this thermos of hot tea on the seat beside Santa. You know how he caught a cold last year flying over Winnipeg…

RUDOLPH
–I bet they’ve started up a card game in the back room… C’mon, M.C., let’s go break it up!

RUDOLPH dashes out; MRS CLAUS is right behind him.

MRS CLAUS
I’ve put a drop of brandy in it too, so don’t let him drink it all at once!…

She’s gone, and her voice fades out of hearing. A moment of quiet, and then with the scene still empty we hear sounds of sobbing. SANTA appears, wrapped in misery, and drags himself across the stage.

SANTA
Boo-hoo!! Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo…

…and he disappears out the other side. Another moment, and then ALFIE the Littlest Elf enters. He’s puffing from the exertion of carrying a large, gift-wrapped box. He’s nearly missed his deadline, and has to get it to SANTA.

ALFIE
I hope he hasn’t left yet!! Whoo-ooo-pps!!

He trips and the box goes flying! Off-stage sounds of tinkling and smashing.

Oh, my goodness!… Do you think maybe I broke something?

…tinkle, tinkle. ALFIE, turning, sees the boys and girls in the audience.

ALFIE
Oh! – Hello, boys and girls! It’s nice of you to visit us here at the North Pole. My name is Alfie. I’m learning to be a toymaker, just like my Dad. Oh, but I’ve got to go now. I’m busy busy busy! It’s nearly midnight! …I’m late with my present! – I’m sorry I dropped it. – You won’t tell on me, will you?? My present didn’t break, but Mrs Claus has a crystal vase on the shelf over where –

ALFIE takes a pained and fearful look over in that direction…

ALFIE
Oh, no. She had a crystal vase on that shelf… Oh, dear. – I have to go find Santa, boys and girls. I’ll explain about the vase to Mrs Claus later. – Bye!!

ALFIE picks up his box and goes dashing out. A moment of silence, and then again we hear small sobbing off-stage, becoming louder. SANTA enters, and it’s the same performance as before… he drags his miserable self across the stage.

SANTA
Boo-hoo! (Stops to blow his nose) HO-O-NN-NK!! …Boo-hoo-hoo….

He’s gone. The voices of RUDOLPH and MRS. CLAUS are heard, and then they bustle back on-stage.

MRS CLAUS
Well, at least they weren’t playing poker…

RUDOLPH
So we find them in the kitchen popping popcorn instead! Christmas Eve midnight, a great time to just drop everything and snack out!

MRS CLAUS
Give them ten minutes and they’ll be all hitched up and ready to go. Everything’s just… tickety-boo!

RUDOLPH
Oh, yeah?!…

MRS CLAUS
What do you mean?

RUDOLPH
I haven’t seen Santa lately. Haven’t seen him anywhere!

MRS CLAUS
My goodness, you’re right. He’s completely disappeared.

RUDOLPH
Last I saw him was an hour ago, out back. He was polishing up the sleigh…

MRS CLAUS
The last I saw him was two hours ago, in the basement. He was shining up his boots…

RUDOLPH
Did he look a little depressed when you saw him?

MRS CLAUS
He did look sad. But he wouldn’t talk to me.

RUDOLPH
Nor to me, either.

MRS CLAUS
Oh, Rudolph, now you’ve got me worried. What’s the matter with Santa?

RUDOLPH
And where is he??

From off-stage come the sounds of SANTA crying again.

SANTA
(Off) Boo-hoo! Boo-hoo-hoo!

MRS CLAUS
That’s him crying. My honey-bunny! – I’m coming Nicholas!

MRS CLAUS dashes out to save her honey-bunny.

RUDOLPH
Gr-reat!! Now Santa’s gonna give us grief! – Why can’t things ever go smoothly?!… I knew it was a mistake. I should never have gone into management. I was happy enough pulling in the team…

And, muttering sadly to himself, RUDOLPH has left the scene. After a moment SANTA enters, still crying. MRS CLAUS comes in behind him.

SANTA
Boo-hoo-hoo!

MRS CLAUS
What’s the matter, sweetie? You can tell me…

SANTA
I don’t know, Sarah. I just can’t stop crying! Oh, boo-hoo-hoo-hoo…

MRS CLAUS
(Patting and soothing him) There, there. There, there. But you know Nicholas: it’s almost midnight. It’s time for you to go!…

SANTA
(Still sobbing) I know. I’m ready. I’m ready to… BOO-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOOO!…

MRS CLAUS
Dear, oh, dear; Santa’s never unhappy – he must be sick!

SANTA
(Blowing his nose) HO-OO-NNK!!

MRS CLAUS
– He’s very VERY sick!! …Quick! No time to lose! I have to call the doctor!!

She dashes out in a panic-stricken hurry.

SANTA
(Not knowing she’s gone) I’m not sick, my dear, really. I don’t even know why I’m crying. It’s – it’s just that – Oh boo-hoo-hoo-hoo…!

RUDOLPH enters, greatly annoyed with his employer.

RUDOLPH
C’mon, Boss, you gotta snap out of it. We have a job to do!

SANTA
I’m all set to go, Rudolph. What’s the hold-up?

RUDOLPH
YOU’RE the hold-up! We can’t let your public see you like this. What would they think?!

SANTA
I-I’ve never felt b-better in my life…

RUDOLPH

Oh yeah? Your eyes they aren’t twinkling, your dimples aren’t merry, your cheeks aren’t like roses, your nose is no cherry!

SANTA
(Sniff) I’ve still got a little round belly…

RUDOLPH
Okay, so try your “bowl full of jelly” routine. Gimme a “Ho-ho-ho”.

SANTA
“Ho.” “H-ho…” “H-hoo-hoo-hoo! BOO-hoo-hoo-hoo!…

RUDOLPH
For-get it!

SANTA
You’re right, Rudolph. I guess I am a little t-tired. …I’ll go take a nap before we leave. Maybe then I’ll f-feel better.

SANTA drags himself off-stage, still sobbing.

RUDOLPH
This is serious! I can’t let him go out looking like that – it’d ruin his reputation! There’s gotta be a solution to this – Think, Rudy boy, THINK!!

ALFIE timidly pokes his nose in.

ALFIE
(To audience, whispering) Hello again, friends. (Aloud) Rudolph? Have you seen Santa?

RUDOLPH
(Annoyed) Go ‘way, Alfie, I’m busy right now.

ALFIE
I need to find him. I forgot to give him this present.

RUDOLPH
…What present? The sleigh’s been loaded up already.

ALFIE
No, this is for him. I made it all on my own.

RUDOLPH
You’re nuts! He doesn’t need a present from a stupid little elf – G’wan! Scram!

ALFIE
No! I want to give it to Santa!

RUDOLPH
Don’t you know the boss is too busy to deal with stuff like this?!

ALFIE
I’m going to find him!(To the audience) Boys and girls, I worked hard on this present, and I want Santa to have it before he leaves!

ALFIE leaves again. RUDOLPH looks around in puzzlement.

RUDOLPH
Who’s he talkin’ to – that kid’s a little screwy! …I guess he means well, but really, we’ve got important things to worry about. Right now I’ve gotta figure out a way to get Santa tuned up and back on the road…

He leaves, still shaking his head and muttering. A pause, and then MRS CLAUS enters, with DOCTOR QUACK in tow. (Yes, he is indeed a duck.)

MRS CLAUS
We don’t have the foggiest notion what’s wrong with him, Doctor Quack. Could it be the flu?

QUACK
Ja, coot be, coot be. For zat I haf a pill!

MRS CLAUS
Or maybe it’s the measles?

QUACK
Ja, coot be zat also. For zat I haf a needle!

MRS CLAUS
Or – Doctor! – What if it’s the CHICKEN POX?!

QUACK
Chicken pox?! Chicken pox. Hmmm; zat I cannot cure.

MRS CLAUS
Why not??

QUACK
Mrs Claus, I am strict vegetarian! Still, Doktor Qvack iss great genius. Brink ze patient to me!

MRS CLAUS hurries out to fetch SANTA. DOCTOR QUACK has a gift-wrapped Christmas present that he sets down on the stage. SANTA comes drooping in.

SANTA
Oh, hello Doctor. What brings you here tonight?

QUACK
You do, Zanta. I hear you are not vell.

SANTA
I can’t seem to stop crying – but I don’t know what I’m sad about.

QUACK
Zat iss my jop. I vill tell you vhat you are cryink about! – Open vide. Zay “Ahh”.

SANTA spies the Christmas present, and suddenly brightens up.

SANTA
– Say!!

QUACK
Dummkopf!! I don’t zay you zay “Zay”, I zay you zay “Ahh”!

SANTA
Ah-ha! Is that a Christmas present?

QUACK
Ja.

SANTA
Can I guess who it’s for?

QUACK
Go ahett.

SANTA
Is it for a fine, jolly old fellow?

QUACK
Ja, it iss.

SANTA
Is he here in this room right now?!

QUACK
He iss, ja.

SANTA
It’s for me!! Ho, ho –

QUACK
No. It’s for me.

SANTA reacts like a pricked balloon; he sags dejectedly.

SANTA
Oh. I’m sorry….

QUACK
My dear muzzer gafe it to me – See, I show you… (Opens box) Iss new hammer!

SANTA
My goodness!

QUACK
Ja, iss goot hammer! Ziss I use to test my patients’ reflexes.

QUACK has it in his hands and pounds it on the floor a couple times.

QUACK
You haf reflexes, Zanta? You vant I shoot test zem?

SANTA
No… I think they’re fine, Doctor…

QUACK
Gif me your elbow! Gif me your knee! I vant to test somesink now!

QUACK starts bashing away at everything in reach.

SANTA
Doctor, be careful! You might hit me!

QUACK
Zat iss ze whole idea!—

SANTA
Yikes! Ooh! Eee!…

QUACK
Shtand shtill! Dummkopf! I’m tryink to test you!

SANTA
Err… I’ve got to leave. I think I’m going to get a phone call any second now!… Ooh!

QUACK
I luff to test sinks! Zat iss vhy I make medicine my career. (Hammering wildly) Test! Test! Test test!

SANTA
Good-bye Doctor Quack! I feel a whole lot better now!—

…and he scampers away to safety!

QUACK
Test! Test! Anuzzer miracle cure by ze great Doktor Qvack! Vhat a genius. Vhat a genius!! Test test! (Hitting himself)

DOCTOR QUACK leaves, spent and exhausted. A few moments, and then MRS CLAUS and RUDOLPH re-enter.

MRS CLAUS
Doctor Quack didn’t help Santa at all, Rudolph. He’s as depressed as ever.

RUDOLPH
I d’n know; I’m givin’ him five minutes to turn himself around, and then we’ll have to leave without him.

MRS CLAUS
You can’t do that!

RUDOLPH
We can if we have to – it’s for his own good, Mrs Claus. We can’t let Santa’s fans see him like this. They’ll think he’s gone nuts!

MRS CLAUS
But you can’t go sliding down people’s chimneys!

RUDOLPH
No, listen, I got the angles all worked out. I just finished talkin’ to Easter Bunny on the blower. He’s used to doing these same rounds every Easter, right? So I told him that if he’d be willing to cover for Santa tonight, then next Spring we’ll pay him back the favour…

MRS CLAUS
(She doesn’t like it) You want Easter Bunny to do Santa’s job??

RUDOLPH
Just for tonight! It’s an emergency! Look, the kids are all asleep when we come around anyway…

MRS CLAUS
I don’t know. It doesn’t seem right…

And they’ve left; their voices fade out, still wrangling. A brief pause, then SANTA creeps back in.

SANTA
I feel worse than ever… (Sighs) Maybe I’m just getting old. Washed up! Over the hill!

ALFIE appears on the scene.

ALFIE
(To audience) I found him, boys and girls! Now’s my chance! (Aloud) …Santa?

SANTA
OHH! …Hello Alfie! – Say, shouldn’t you be in bed already?

ALFIE
I stayed up late because I want to see you…

SANTA
(Kindly) What is it, Alfie?

ALFIE
…This present …I want to give it to you.

He shyly produces his gift-wrapped box…

SANTA
— A present?

ALFIE
Uh-huh!

SANTA
For me??

ALFIE
Uh-huh! …You can open it.

SANTA opens the box and pulls out a bright knitted scarf in Christmas colours. The initials “S.C.” are sewn into it. The scarf, while a lovely thought, does look as though it was knitted by a kid. Which it was.

ALFIE
…I made it myself. It was a secret between me and my mum…

SANTA
Why, it’s… wonderful! And it says “S.C.”…

ALFIE
Yeah. That’s the part my mum sewed on. She said you caught a cold last Christmas, and I thought, well… you’re always giving things to other people – that’s all you ever do! – and – I wanted to give something back to you. My mum said a scarf would be a good idea.

This touching moment has completely cured SANTA’S depression, of course…

SANTA
It is a good idea, Alfie! It’s a great idea! – Thank you so much!

They hug each other and laugh.

ALFIE
I’m glad you got it before you left.

SANTA
(From the heart) Ho ho ho! Why, this little gift from you makes me feel wonderful. Help me put it on, Alfie. It’s a co-old night out there!

ALFIE
Okay… Gee! I hope I haven’t made you late, Santa!

SANTA
You certainly haven’t, my child; it’s thanks to you that I’m going at all! – But you’re right; it is late. It’s time for one little elf to go off to bed – and for this old elf to go off to work!

ALFIE
Good night, Santa!

SANTA
Good night, Alfie! Merry Christmas!

ALFIE
(To audience) Good-bye, friends! Merry Christmas!

ALFIE darts out, as SANTA looks around in confusion.

SANTA
–Who’s he talking to?! – Nobody. Just the child’s imagination. (Chuckling) Why, I haven’t felt this good in years… I’m going to have great fun tonight! …Ho-ho-ho…

SANTA sings a song, glad that his heart has been cheered by ALFIE’S kind generosity.

(Sings)
TICKETY-BOO, OH TICKETY-BOO
EVERYTHING IS TICKETY-BOO
TICKETY-BOO, OH TICKETY-BOO
EVERYTHING IS TICKETY-BOO
MY LIFE WAS FULL OF RICKETY BLUE
RICKETY PICKETY RICKETY BLUE
BUT LICKETY-SPLIT MY BLUE IS ALL THROUGH
AND NOW MY LIFE IS TICKETY-BOO
TICKETY-BOO, OH TICKETY-BOO
EVERYTHING IS TICKETY-BOO
TICKETY-BOO, OH TICKETY-BOO
EVERYTHING IS TICKETY-BOO
I FELT FORGOTTEN AND YICKETY TOO
YICKETY, YUCKETY, WHAT’LL I DO
BUT ONE KIND THING AND I FEEL BRAND NEW
AND NOW MY LIFE IS TICKETY-BOO
TICKETY-BOO, OH TICKETY-BOO
EVERYTHING IS TICKETY-BOO
TICKETY-BOO, OH TICKETY-BOO
MY HEART BEATS QUICK IN ME
THERE’S A BRAND NEW KICK IN ME
MY LITTLE CHICKADEE
TICKETY, TICKETY
TICKETY, TICKETY
TICKETY, TICKETY-BOO!!

HE goes out, still chuckling. A brief pause, and then MRS CLAUS and RUDOLPH re-appear, crossing the stage.

MRS CLAUS
Well, Rudolph. Everything’s tickety-boo now! …Santa is completely cured!

RUDOLPH
What’d I tell ya?! I knew that threatening to bring in Easter Bunny to do his job would get results… Psychology; you gotta use psychology!

SANTA calls out from off in the distance:

SANTA
Ho-ho-ho! …Merry Christmas, everyone!

THE END