Written By Andrew Wood
Music and Lyrics by Jeff King
Characters in the Play
SNEAKEL E. SNITCH ~ Thief, liar, and all-round Bad Guy!
MRS. CLAUS ~ Plump, homey, good-natured and competent
SANTA CLAUS ~ Does he really need an introduction?
ALFIE THE ELF ~ Master Toymaker, First Class
BUCKY THE ELF ~ Santa’s silliest elf; but he means well
Note: The play, as written, uses a limited number of characters. If having a larger group of actors is desired, however, it would be easy to work a CHORUS OF ELVES into it. The author leaves it to the producer’s discretion, but suggests they could participate in a variety of workshop activities, help in setting the trap for Sneakel, and join in the final song and dance.
Scene One
The main acting area portrays the parlour in the home of Mr. and Mrs. Claus at the North Pole. Santa’s favourite rocking chair stands centre, with an ottoman in front of it. A fireplace with stockings hung, a wreath, and candles. Beside it is a gaily decorated Christmas tree. In an area off to the left (i.e., outside the home) stands an oversized rural mailbox on a candy-cane striped post: “S. CLAUS”.
Intro music, and lights up on the mail box area. Music changes into “SNEAKEL’S THEME”. Enter SNEAKEL from behind the audience. He is the perfect Victorian melodrama villain: black stovepipe hat, voluminous cape, great handlebar moustaches. A long and pointed false nose tied round his head (a la commedia dell’arte) gives him a sinister look. He makes a bee-line toward the mail box.
SNEAKEL
Here I is, ah-har! There’s Santa’s MAIL BOX; yes, yes. I stands beside it. I hugs it. I dances with glee, ah-har! Now I opens it up, I does. I sees the letterses wot the kiddies wrote. There they is, me loves! I snitches—!
About to grab the goods, SNEAKEL suddenly sees the audience! His manner changes completely.
SNEAKEL
O-ho! Wot’s this?! I sees boys and girls, I does! Lots and lots of little kiddies!—And why is they here, I wonders. Come to SPY on Sneakel E. Snitch?!—No, hush Sneakel, lad. Softly now. Mayhap they wants ta be pals!—Does ya wants ta be pals with Sneakel, now? Sneakel E. Snitch is me name. (Oily) Friendliness, and Niceness, is me game. I is the hero of this little play, I is.
Such a liar! He launches into a song.
“SNEAKEL’S SONG”
IF YOU WANTS TO ’AVE A GOOD TIME
I SUGGESTS YOU COME TO SNEAKEL
I’M A REAL PAL OF A PAL, I AM,
I AM!
IF YOU WANTS TO ’AVE A GOOD FRIEND
I SUGGESTS YOU COMES TO SNEAKEL
I’M A REAL FRIEND TO THE END
I AM!
YOU’LL LOVE ME SENSITIVE KIND OF WAY
KINDNESS IS ME ART
YOU’LL LOVE THE SNEAKEL-Y KIND OF WAY
I SNEAKS INTO YOUR HEART
WHO’S A REAL FIGHTER FOR TRUTH
THERE’S NO ONE QUITE LIKE SNEAKEL
I SHOCKS MYSELF THE WAY I NEVER FAIL
WHO’S A SMART AN’ CLEVER OLD GUY
HOORAY! YES, IT’S SNEAKEL!
YOU WILL SEE I’M THE HERO OF THIS ’ERE TALE
I AM!
JUST LIKE ME OLD PAL SHERLOCK HOLMES
INVESTIGATIN’ CRIME
AN’ LOOKIN’ OUT FOR THOSE EVIL SORTS
I GETS ’EM EVERY TIME
SNEAKEL! SNEAKEL!
FOR GOODNESS AND TRUTH I ITCH
SNEAKEL! SNEAKEL!
SNEAKEL… E… SNITCH!
SNEAKEL ends with a flourish and a bow. Big grin:
SNEAKEL
—Does ya wants ta practise a little game, now? Doesn’t that sound like FUN? Well, here ’tis. In a play like this, ya’s got to know how to tell the Good Guy from the Bad Guy. ’Cuz we doesn’t want to get them mixed up, does we now? For the good guy we cheers, we does! Like this!—Hoo-RAY!!!—Let’s practise that, yes, all together now.
(ALL cheer)
SNEAKEL
Right! That’s the way! That’s for the Good Guy, y’see. That’s for… (modest!) Sneakel!
And for the Bad Guy we boos. We hoots and we hollers! Does ya knows how to do that now?… Let’s hear it then, loud and strong! BOO-OOO!!
(EVERYONE boos)
SNEAKEL
…Very good. Very, very good. Now, that’s for the Bad Guy in this show. Santy Claus is ’is name… old Fat Guy, I calls ’im! Wears a red suit, yes, bushy white beard. Oh, you watch out for ’im. He’s a sneaky one, he is! Never ever tells the truth. Not like …me.
But alas! sweet kiddies, dear friends. Sneakel …must go now. Duty calls, it does. Good-bye! So nice to meets you, so very, very …NICE. —Ooohh, but first I must takes me MAIL! All these pretty, pretty letterses! Ah-har! I snitches ’em! They’s mine, mine, all mine. MINE!!!
Etc., etc. Mad, lunatic laughter as he takes the letters and scuttles off.
Scene Two
A pause. Lights up on the main area, revealing SANTA’s parlour, made up for Christmas cheer. Ribbons, decorations, candles and frills. SANTA is at home, seated on his chair with his back to the audience, rocking slowly back and forth. He’s dressed down to his t-shirt and suspenders, with his face buried in his lap. He’s crying bitterly. Enter MRS CLAUS from the next room.
MRS CLAUS
Santa! Santa! What’s the matter?! …Oh dear. Something must be terribly wrong. I’ve never seen him crying like this before.
SANTA
Boo-hoo! Boo-hoo-hoo!!
MRS CLAUS
(She notices audience) Oh! Hello there, children!—My goodness, we’ve got visitors. And with Santa in such a state!—We’re very pleased you’ve stopped by!—Ohhh! Nicholas!—Perhaps you recognize me, I’m Mrs. Claus. And I’m sure you all know Santa!—I swear, I don’t know what’s wrong with him…
SANTA breaks into a fresh round of tears. Enter ALFIE THE ELF, Chief Toymaker.
ALFIE
Santa! Santa!
MRS CLAUS
Hello, Alfie. Can I help you?
ALFIE
Oh, hi Mrs. Claus! We need Santa back at the workshop. We’re running low on things to do. How many more Perky Panda Bears does he want? Do we need that extra hundred-thousand Rootin’ Tootin’ Robots or not?? — The elves are just standin’ around, Mrs. Claus. Where’s the Boss? We need him back on the job.
SFX: Crashing and banging off-stage of a machine tearing itself apart. A big yelp from off-stage and BUCKY, Santa’s silliest elf, comes rushing in. He runs around in circles.
BUCKY
Oh my gosh! HE-EELLL-LLP-P!!! Fire!! SOMEBODY!!
MRS CLAUS
(Catching him) Bucky?! What’s the matter?!
BUCKY
I didn’t do it, Mrs. Claus! It’s not my fault! I’m innocent, I tell ya!
MRS CLAUS
Bucky, slow down! What is it you didn’t do?
ALFIE
Hey, Buckaroo! Didya’ set the workshop on fire?!
BUCKY
Worse than that!
ALFIE & MRS CLAUS
— Worse than that?!
BUCKY
It’s my CANDY machine! It’s spittin’ out jelly beans all over the place!
SFX: The racket intensifies. Volleys of jelly beans come flying in from the wings, splattering the audience. BUCKY starts running around again.
BUCKY
Help, Somebody! Make it STOP!!
ALFIE
Santa knows how to fix it! Where is he??
BUCKY
Where is he, Mrs. Claus? This is a E-MERGENCY!!
MRS CLAUS
Santa’s right here in his rocking chair, boys. But—he’s CRYING!!
A crescendo of tears from SANTA. The machine noises begin to fade into the background.
ALFIE
Oh, no!
BUCKY
Holy Handkerchief!
ALFIE
Hey, Boss — you okay??
SANTA
(Between sobs) I-I’m unhappy… Boo-hoo-hoo!!
MRS CLAUS & ALFIE
— Un-happy?!
MRS CLAUS
We never would’ve guessed.
BUCKY
Whatsamatter, Chief?
SANTA
THE BOYS AND GIRLS DON’T LOVE ME ANY MORE!!
A great “honk” into his hankie, then he launches into fresh tears.
ALFIE & MRS CLAUS
— That’s not true!
— Santa, that’s impossible!
BUCKY
Gee, I still love ya…
SANTA
The children of the world have all forgotten about me. They just don’t care about old Santa Claus…
MRS CLAUS
Who told you that?!
SANTA
They’ve stopped writing letters to me! I haven’t received any mail from ANYwhere for weeks and weeks—They’re not writing me letters because they don’t care about Christmas any more. Boo-hoo-hoo!!…
BUCKY
Golly! Who would’a thunk it!
ALFIE
Does that mean we’re gonna be out of a job?
MRS CLAUS
That’s nonsense. … Perhaps there’s a problem with the mail. Maybe the postal workers have gone on strike! That happens a lot, you know.
ALFIE
I get my letters, Mrs. Claus, same as always.
SANTA
I knew it!—They’ve forgotten about me—Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo!…
SANTA slumps back in his chair. ALFIE and BUCKY go over to comfort him. MRS CLAUS makes an appeal to the audience.
MRS CLAUS
Friends, Santa still doesn’t know you’re here. But I know you love him—don’t you! (The AUDIENCE erupts, obviously.) Well, it’s not enough just to love him right now, you’ve got to tell him so! Santa’s feeling really bad, so we’ve got to tell him we love him. When I tell you, shout “Santa, we still love you!” good and loud. Ready? …GO!
ALFIE and BUCKY have joined her to face the audience. A big shout from EVERYONE.
ALL
SANTA, WE STILL LOVE YOU!!!
In response, a dramatic new sob from SANTA, who obviously didn’t hear.
SANTA
Boo-hoo-hoo!!!
MRS CLAUS
We have to do better than that. Let’s give it all we’ve GOT!
A tremendous roar from the audience.
ALL
SANTA, WE STILL LOVE YOU!!!
SANTA
(Startled) Wha-aa??!?! Who-o!!
MRS CLAUS
(Beaming; proud of their effort) Nicholas, say hello to your visitors. They love you a whole lot!
SANTA
Well, bless my buttons! I didn’t see them come in!
BUCKY
They sure do love ya, Boss!
ALFIE
I bet they heard that at the SOUTH Pole!
SANTA
(Embarrassed) Sarah, what must they think, seeing me like this?! Oh dear… Where’s my coat?!—Where’s my pipe?! (To AUDIENCE; hurried and phony—) “Ho-ho-ho…”
MRS CLAUS
Calm down, Nicholas. There’s no need to go into your “Santa Claus” act. The boys and girls saw you crying.
SANTA
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean… I was feeling sad. Why don’t you guys write me letters any more?
The AUDIENCE eagerly responds, of course. What follows is largely improvised.
SANTA
(Ad-lib) What’s that?? … Stolen, you say??! … His name is Sneakel E. Snitch? … And what does Mr. Snitch look like? … My gosh, why did I think you don’t love me any more? I’m sorry I thought that!… (Etc.)
MRS CLAUS
(Ad-lib) You mean he just took Santa’s letters? And he said they were his? He was lying! … Oh dear, what can we do to stop him, I wonder?…
ALFIE
(Ad-lib) Y’mean, he said HE’s the Good Guy and Santa’s the BAD Guy?!?—Of all the nerve! Santa’s the Good Guy, right?…
BUCKY
(Ad-lib) We gotta catch ’im, Boss! We gotta catch ’im and make him give us back all your letters! ‘Cause they ain’t his letters, they’re YOUR letters!
SANTA steps forward to take control at a suitable point in the action.
SANTA
All right. All right! STOP!! Everyone, listen to me! (And once peace is restored…) We’ve got ourselves a big problem, that’s for sure. This Mr. Snitch has nearly spoiled Christmas for all of us. But now that we know he’s been stealing my letters, we can catch him and make him stop.
ALFIE
(Swinging his fists) I’ll make him stop. Right after I make him black ‘n blue, first!
BUCKY
Yeah, me too!
MRS CLAUS
ALFIE! Bucky! That’s not right either.
SANTA
Listen to her, guys. We can’t afford to be angry, because when we’re angry we make mistakes.
ALFIE & BUCKY
— Sorry, Santa.
— Sorry, Mrs Claus.
SANTA
But you’re eager to help catch him, and that’s good.—Boys and girls, do you want to help us catch the thief too? … Good! All right then. Boys and girls, I’m appointing you to keep watch over my mailbox. If Sneakel comes back, I want you to shout out good and loud! …Then Alfie and Bucky, it’ll be your job to jump out and catch him! Don’t hit him, don’t hurt him! Just hold him tight and run to let me know right away!
ALFIE & BUCKY
— You bet, Santa!
— Okay, Boss!
SANTA
Sarah, let’s you and I get back to the Workshop. I’ve been so sad and droopy lately that I’ve let things fall behind. We’ve got to get Christmas back on schedule!
MRS CLAUS
(Rolling up her sleeves) Just put me to work, Nicholas. I can do the job of any two elves!
ALFIE & BUCKY
HEY!!!
SANTA
Don’t worry, guys. She’s only teasing you! …Now run along and hide. You want to be ready to catch the thief!
The two elves run off. MRS CLAUS, a little worried, turns to SANTA.
MRS CLAUS
…Nicholas, are you sure it’s wise to give Bucky so much responsibility? I mean… he is a little bit slow.
SANTA
He’s got enthusiasm, that’s what counts. He’ll do fine! And besides, Alfie’s with him. Alfie’s my cracker-jack kid!
SFX: the sudden grinding and clanging of a machine tearing itself apart. Jelly beans (—or confetti, or whatever…) come spraying into the audience again.
MRS CLAUS
Oh my gosh, we completely forgot!
SANTA
(Panicked) What’s happening??!
MRS CLAUS
Bucky’s messed up his candy machine! It’s spitting out jelly beans all over the place!!
SANTA
Not again??!—Dang that dang elf anyhow! I’ve told him a hundred times. “Don’t touch the red button! Don’t touch the RED BUTTON!!”
SANTA and MRS CLAUS run off.
Blackout!
### 🎭 PRODUCTION AND LICENSING
Thank you for reading this script preview! The full script, including the last three scenes, song lyrics, and performance rights, is available upon request.
Please contact prafesser@gmail.com on the Contact page for production licensing inquiries.